Bite Me: A Personal Log
by Sarcastic Chipmunk
Summary: All those things you ever thought about the crew of Voyager - Chakotay's bad hair, Janeway's bun of steel, and the irritating Neelix, all through the eyes of sarcastic Mortimer Harren. *Icheb's up, don't say I didn't warn you*
1. Log 1

Bite Me: A Personal Log

_*Author's Note: Read and review, but please be gentle! This is supposed to be all the things you thought about Voyager, all the things that the crew must have thought...but all through the eyes of the acerbic, acidic, and sarcastic Mortimer Harren. Remember him? He was in the episode Good Shepherd with Tal Celes and Billy Telfer! Enjoy! :) *_

=/\= 

Personal log, Crewman Mortimer Harren, stardate 52537.3 

The idiot Chakotay has decided we must all write daily personal logs from now on. Apparently he's going to check that we actually have inputted data for the day into our log. He says he wants at least 10 quads data daily after seeing that I have inputted two quads into mine in the past six months. Does this man have nothing better to do? Is this the only thing he can spend his time doing? He IS the Commander. Find something to command! True, we call him the Captain's lap dog, and I've even heard him called the Blob on the Bridge a few times... 

Then again, there is that childlike innocence about him (or so I'm told, I try to stay away from the bridge). It must come from having intellect equivalent to a small child. I mean, what can you say that's complimentary about a man who got his position because the Captain thought he was hot? Not that she thinks it anymore. The man with the magically morphing hair has lost favour with her apparently. She probably realized there was a stripe of white down his hair and thought, _oh no, I've made Peppy Le Pew my first officer_! The fact that his sonic shower broke for a week didn't help with the skunk smell connotations, either. It was all amusing, though, in a distant and unintellectual way. Especially considering that man's been laid less than even I have since we arrived in the DQ. Even the Captain doesn't want him! There's no way Peppy's EVER going to get a chick on this ship! That, for some reason, makes this log far easier to write... 

=/\= 

*I hope to add one more log a day til it's done! All righty? All right! R&R, comments always appreciated... 


	2. Log 2

Today it's Seven's day to be ripped to shreds. Enjoy! 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 52456.8 

Apparently I shouldn't feel so cocky about good old Chak never getting any. Now Seven of Nine's decided he's hers. Can we say puke a thon? Even I thought this was disgusting. So here's her, who's essentially nine or ten in terms of emotional age, and he's dating her? Why not ask Naomi Wildman on a date too, you perverted old man! She probably finds his hair intellectually fascinating. I should tell her my theory - some hair goes white because they're under stress and too much excitement. His went black because he's so boring. She'd probably brush it off as illogical. Not that I'd much care. They're always talking about her "borg implants." Am I the only one who's totally cracked up every time I hear that? What about the most noticeable pair of implants? Why don't we ever hear of Seven's medical crises going something like this - "Captain, her body is rejecting the borg enhanced silicone!" Captain Janeway would probably say "GOOD!" I hear she's none too happy about old Chuckles and her surrogate daughter together. Here's a newsflash, Janey, ever thought you might have moulded her into a little version of you a little too well? Then slap her in those catsuits and a pair of three inch heels, yes, definitely chosen by her logical mind for their practicality, and you've got Janeway Plus. 

C'mon, though, Chakotay? The ancient, useless first officer? I could see Seven with Tuvok. They have similar personalities. Maybe with Ensign Kim, he does have that pathetic crush on her (incidentally making him a rather amusing crewmember to watch while she's around). Neelix, even, since he was kind to her even after she threw him across the messhall (what I would have given to have seen that!). Or perhaps the Doctor, since he's only a few years old himself and is obviously her best friend. Hah, best friend is a hologram and lover is the most useless, boring man on the ship. She must be one of these women who sets her standards really low. Or maybe she just wanted to piss off Janeway. If it's the latter, I applaud her...but I still feel like shit that even Chak can get some on this ship and I can't! 

=/\= 


	3. Log 3

And it's the intrepid Captain's turn at the knife today... 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 54674.1 

I sometimes wonder if our ship's registration number shouldn't be 666 or 13. Now, you thought one Captain Janeway was enough? How about two of them? Both of them are equally uptight, and both have that walk that says Unbeknownst to you I have something lodged up my rear. That voice, too...it's so grating. Have a freaking Halls. Drink some of that coffee you love so much. Anything to get rid of that sandpaper voice. Perhaps she's actually a closet chain smoker and she hides the pack up her ass...hopefully she doesn't keep the lighter there, too. Some of Mr. Neelix's foods can really cause gas. 

So, apparently, we now have ADMIRAL Janeway, and CAPTAIN Janeway. Commander Chakotay explained this very slowly to the junior officers. 

"See, _Admiral_ Janeway has _white_ hair, and _Captain_ Janeway has _brown_ hair," he said, "That's how you can tell them apart." 

"Couldn't we have just looked at their pips?" someone replied. 

"Uh, I didn't think of that," our brilliant second in command responded. 

Again, he thinks the rest of the crew is at the same intellectual level as himself. That's why she (they?) sent him down here. He makes Tal Celes look like the next Zefram Cochrane. If we can't understand HIS explanations, there's really no hope. See, opposites attract, which is why Janeway and Seven are attracted to him. They're pretty (well, I'm sure Janeway was when she was younger), he's a dog. They're commanding, he's a milquetoast. They're smart, he's dumb. 

Am I the only one who sees a hypocrite in Janeway? God, what a pain she is. First she can't stop drooling over Chackers, then gets pissy at Torres and Paris for getting too intimate while on duty. We're on a fucking Intrepid class starship in the middle of the Delta Quadrant for God's sake! We can't get any more intimate cooped up in this sardine tin! Or when she thought the Doctor's Photons Be Free program was inappropriate. Inappropriate? What do you call commandeering Tom Paris' Fair Haven character Michael O'Sullivan and turning him into the Captain's little love slave? That's considered appropriate, but writing a brilliantly sarcastic satire on Voyager's crew (which I personally thought was right on the mark) was wrong in the eyes of our Captain? Or how about when she stranded us here on the pretense of following the Prime Directive, then blatantly ignored the Temporal prime directive to get us home. Hello, is one more important than the other? How the hell did this woman ever get to command a starship, other than the good ship lollipop? God, I need a drink... 

=/\= 

Ooh, who will be the subject of tomorrow's little bitch session? Check back and find out! 


	4. Log 4

OKAY loyal readers, I would REALLY appreciate some feedback as to who you want trashed next, your pet peeves, etc etc! Remember, if you login I'll R&R one of yours...today we talk about Tom Paris. 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 55212.7 

Look at who got to be the lucky crewman today. Yes, that would be me. I was sent on an away mission with Lieutenant Tom Paris. Yes, you heard me right, he got his second pip back, though I can't see why he of all people deserved it. I mean, this guy does nothing except waste oxygen and make references to the 20th century. Harry Kim has been acting as the faithful ops officer and you don't see a promotion coming his way any time soon. Want to know what I think? Personally, my opinion's that our Captain still has fond memories of when Tom 'mated' with her as a lizard. It's not just his work ethic that got him up the Voyager ladder. So in his Delta Flyer (a particularly stupid name for a particularly stupid looking shuttle - it has a joystick in it, for God's sake!) we went to collect some galasite samples from a nearby asteroid, a by the book mission if I've ever been on one. Our dear Captain has gone a little strange since she lost the Bun of Steel, and has decided that Celes, Telfer and myself are prime candidates for away teams. I'm a thinking man, not a doing man! 

Anyhow, Mr. Paris insisted on engaging me in idle conversation, mostly on his insipid holoprogram Captain Proton. I for one have never seen such a shallow and pointless program. Chaotica? Buster Kincaid? Demonica? Arachnia? Where the hell did he get these names from? It wasn't baby's first naming book. A collection of characters with the cruelest parents in the universe, it seems. Admittedly, I would have given my eye teeth to see Janeway in that Arachnia getup. I heard she looked like a cross between a borg drone and the holder of the sacred chalice of Rixx - what's her name - oh yeah, Lwaxana Troi. Then again, Tom Paris in civvies tends to look even more idiotic than Proton himself...even if the character is monochromatic. Have you ever seen a full grown man dressed in hot pink and fluorescent blue flowered shirts? I have, and it's not a pretty sight. Paris shows off about his masculinity all the time, what exactly is he trying to compensate for? Enough said, I think you get my drift. 

"So, you tried my new program, Captain Proton and the slaves of Arachnia?" 

"Alas, Ensign Paris, I have not," I replied, making sure to get the rank wrong. 

"Didn't you hear, I'm back to Lieutenant!" 

"Oh well, rank really doesn't mean much once you've made it to bridge crew," I replied, typing away on my console. 

He didn't answer to that. Finally, I managed to shut Tom Paris up. 

I think that's worth celebrating. 

=/\= 

All righty, time for feedback, suggestions, but not flames *cowers* please? Thank you so much for reading... 


	5. Log 5

All right kiddies, welcome back to Mortie's world...today B'Elanna gets to the block...  
  
=/\=  
  
Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 56341.6  
  
Unfortunately today was yet another waste of my time. I was placed on an Engineering detail with the ever pacific Lieutenant Torres. She seems to cause half of the damage herself, since when something goes wrong she either slaps the nearest panel (or crew member, if they happen to be closer). Take Joe Carey for example. Now that was a hell of a nice guy. Boring, and I think there was something going on between Wildman and him, but that's not the point. He had a spotless record, brilliant man, and he gets his nose crushed by our resident Klingon in a moment of rage. Of course, good old Bun O' Steel, in her infinite wisdom, weighed the decision for chief engineer carefully. Ex-Maquis criminal who has a penchant for violence, hates Starfleet and rules and has already mauled one crew member? Or starfleet Lieutenant with spotless record, placid demeanor, and who everybody likes. Well, let's just go for the first to make things interesting.  
  
And don't get me started on her and that idiot Paris. While he plays with holographic, obsolete automobiles and calls himself grease monkey (more like spank the monkey when B'Elanna's in a bad mood, or so I've heard), he manages to catch himself likely the most normal woman on the ship? I mean, Janeway sounds and acts like a man with lipstick (hey, who said you couldn't have a cross dresser as a Starfleet Captain?) and Seven of Nine is - well, let's just say her appeal isn't in her brains. I mean, why not just rename Voyager The Love Boat? All anyone seems to care about is what's going on in B'Elanna and Tom's relationship. God, I thought she was violent and angry when I first met her. Now she's just become saccharine and nauseating. I love you, Tom. We're going to have a baby, Tom, what will we name it? Tiffanee? Bryttney? Kelli? Sindea? Why not dress the little bugger up in Baby Gap while you're at it.  
  
What the hell was that thing with her father? Waah, I had a harsh childhood. Poor me, coddle me, I've been a strong Klingon for my entire life and because my daddy left me I'm going to melt now, thirty years after the fact. I don't think so. You know what I think? I think good old Tommy Boy was giving Seven a few too many looks, the ones that B'Elanna has a reputation for creaming him for, and she decided to try a new tactic. Self-indulgent whining, as far as I'm concerned. Cry me a river, Torres, then get back to Engineering, before the Captain decides to flog you. Then again, Klingons tend to be turned on by that sort of thing. Sicko.  
  
Time for another synthehol...  
  
=/\=  
  
All righty, suggestions welcome, and I just want to apologize now that it took me a couple days to finish this! Sorry guys, I promise I'll get the next one up tomorrow! ;-) 


	6. Log 6

Before you read I want to give a huge hug to all my reviewers! Thanks a million, especially to Altra Palantir, who must be the most active reader and reviewer on the site - all us Voyager writers thank you! :)  
  
Today is Tuvok's turn. If you like him, turn back...don't say I didn't warn you!  
  
=/\=  
  
Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 57312.1  
  
Tuvok has confined me to quarters for one day for calling Commander Chakotay "Commander Le Pew." It's not like he got the joke, until stupid Lieutenant Paris said "Hey, wasn't Peppy Le Pew a twentieth century cartoon skunk?"  
  
Of course, that got the entire bridge crew roaring, especially old Bun O' Steel, who's already pissed enough at him for his new found love. Really, I love her intellect, I can hear him saying. Sure, Chackers. Just like we like Pamela Anderson for her acting ability. Tuvok was unimpressed, however, along with Seven. He got that throbbing artery in the side of his neck, though. Has anyone noticed how un-Vulcan Tuvok is? I mean, like that time he went off the deep end after having a mind meld with Suder? Or what about that time he spazzed on the Captain and said she disgusted him - JOIN THE CLUB. Or the way he went out of his way to piss off Neelix? I heard that once he even had a holoprogram where he could KILL Neelix. Kill Neelix is something I've espoused for a long time. But for a Vulcan to join in? There's really no logic to murdering the half-cat, half-Teletubby creature. It's just personal satisfaction...  
  
Have you noticed that Tuvok, with all his Vulcan super intellect, doesn't ever seem to have any good ideas? He used to be interesting, before Kes made a long walk off a short plank (she knew enough to leave when she got the chance), as Tuvok the Teacher. But lately he's gotten almost as bad as Peppy. "Shields up," and "Intruder alert," seem to be the extent of his vocabulary. So much for Vulcan I.Q. Even Harry gets better ideas than he does.  
  
That whole thing about the Vulcan pon farr really got to me, too. When Vorik had his little sex crazed stage of his own, his options were A) die B) get laid C) kill someone. Now, apparently pon farr gets stronger as you age. So why is it that Vorik wasn't able to have his fun with a hologram, but Tuvok was. As Mr. Vulcan himself would say, it is illogical.  
  
Want to know what I think? I think he's not a Vulcan at all. Remember, he was a spy for the Maquis. He obviously doesn't give a damn about betraying people who have befriended him. Who's to say he's not actually a Romulan double agent (or the like), one of the Tal Shiar on Voyager. I mean, look at Seska! It's possible. Then again, maybe I've had one too many shots of Romulan Ale...  
  
=/\=  
  
There you go! I thought of this one because of a wonderful review I got, thanks so much! And by the way, if my fanfiction looks a bit weird, it's because my formatting doesn't seem to be working lately...sorry! 


	7. Log 7

Ah, today is our favourite, Mr. I look like a bad knockoff of Picard. Bashir wannabe. Read on, enjoy...or don't, your choice. 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 58211.2 

While working with Admiral Janeway on installing the new anti-Borg armour plating, I cut my hand. Not that I really get this armour anyhow. When the Borg engaged the Federation at Wolf 359 and nearly made it to Earth, everyone was terrified, even though in my own wisdom I believed it was just punishment for inflicting years of shallow boy band music on the universe. Back to my point, however...how the hell did one none-too-bright captain who seems more intent on her varied number of hairstyles manage to think up all these brilliant ways to repel the Borg. Okay, there are billions of people in the Alpha Quadrant who couldn't do it, but you could by turning the ship into what looks like a giant tuna fish can...sure... 

So, I got sent to sickbay, where the Doctor treated me. He used to be efficient, but now...that dermal regenerator takes forever. Why? Because he stops every few seconds to tell you about how is golf game is going. I shot three under par. I don't know what a par is and I really don't care. Or how about his thrilling discourses on Italian opera. One, I speak no Italian. Two, I'm glad I don't, because what you're singing sounds like a cat being strangled. Three, you've mistaken me for someone who cares. When he didn't have these stupid subroutines he was efficient, sarcastic, and emotionless. Now he's a glorified toaster (as Bun O' Steel would say) who can sing opera and whack a ball with a stick. Talent. 

Do you know how much ship's energy he expends - no, WASTES, on mooning over Seven Of Nine? Get over the Silicone Wonder, Toaster Man, and find yourself some non-existant woman made of light like yourself...maybe a blow up doll? I mean, Seven of Nine doesn't look much different, seeing as how she looks like her clothes are painted on. I'd suggest asking Chakotay about borrowing one of his. It's kind of a sick Pygmalion thing going on - he created the way Seven looks after he removed her implants (leaving the two most noticeable ones in, I state again), and then he falls for her? When you think about it, it makes the Doctor look like a chauvinistic pig. The only woman for him is the one he creates himself to be perfect? They're people, not dolls (again, ask Peppy about that one). 

You know, I used to like the Doctor. He was a refreshing, acerbic change from the feel-good cheerleader perkiness 'Yay we're in the Alpha Quadrant together it's all for the Prime Directive' shit that Ensign Kim still spouts. Now look at him. They've 'fleeted him, made him into some bland, sexist idiot who thinks instead of trying to push more energy into the warp nacelles to speed our way home, we should spend it on escapist fiction like Photons Be Free. God, if all the EMH programs turn out to be like our follicly challenged doctor, we should wipe every trace of them from computers everywhere. 

On top of that, I've used up all my replicator rations...dammit I hate this ship. 

=/\= 

Author's usual note - I can't believe *gasp* I said something awful about Ensign Kim...my favourite character...anyhow, hope you liked this one... 


	8. Log 8

Okay, guys, time for Kes. It's not the greatest one because she wasn't there that long, but bear with me... 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 56231.5 

Do you remember Kes? If you're a male, it's unlikely, she was replaced with Little Miss Party Tits, and you've probably already forgotten about the nurse who broke 'fleet tradition and stayed clear of spandex. But I do have a vague recollection of her. Blonde hair that could only be described as tribble shaped. Favourite shirt looked like a blue accordion. All her other clothes had that scrounged from old potato sacks look, always accompanied by the Cyndi Lauper-esque polyester tights. I was always waiting for her to walk in with a pair of leg warmers on and a bad perm job to match. I mean, she wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, but she was a pretty sweet girl, especially when you consider that she was dating Neelix. NEELIX. I can hardly look at him without getting nauseous. She either had a lot of pity or a serious self-esteem problem. Especially considering that Tom Paris was interested in her. Then again, Paris tended to chase any female this side of the quadrant. He even abducted the Captain and mated with her, and I was under the impression she was actually a cross-dressing male. I mean, listen to her voice! Anyhow, Paris used the excuse that he was a lizard and couldn't be held responsible for his actions, but come on...that's worse than "I was drunk," or "The way she dressed made me do it." 

How many people actually saw her telekinetic powers in action? Nobody except the Doctor and Neelix, apparently. The Doctor's memories can be easily modified, and Neelix can be conned quite easily - remember Sister Dala and those orphans? Kes said she could hear species 8472 speaking telepathically, however, we discovered later that they weren't the lame Borg clones from another dimension that she had said before. The weak will perish? More like leave us alone so we can go home please. You know what I think? She wasn't that interesting and even Neelix didn't really pay attention to her, so she pretended to have the powers so she'd be 'special.' A cry for attention, which I could understand, considering the fact that she was a two year old, and Neelix was a middle aged feline junk dealer. Can we say pedophilia? 

And what was with her, "The Doctor deserves rights too," thing? Kes. He looks like a person, but really, he's not, you'd say to her as she regenerated a cut (that was about the extent of her first aid knowledge - notice that she became a medic, but never even made it close to Doctor?). Then of course, she'd reply, "He looks like a person and acts like one," her small, elfin face contorting with confusion. Then you'd try to explain how a hologram worked. I'd rather talk to Paris on the virtues of celibacy. It would probably be easier to convince him of that than it was to explain to Kes what made the Doctor different from a person. You'd say "See? You say, Computer, activate EMH, and he appears. That doesn't happen with real people." 

She would reply, "Yes it does, I've seen people appear like that before! It's called a transporter!" 

It was like talking to a tree, for God's sake, put her out of her misery and leave her on plasma manifold cleaning duty, don't leave her responsible for the care of other human beings! I said that once to the Doctor, and he gave me a long lecture on the virtues of patience, and that inside every person there's a genius waiting to be release. 

Needless to say, that's when I shut off his program. 

=/\= 

I know I'm eventually going to have to do Harry. Nooooo...I can't think of anything bad to say about him...he's so smart...sweet...and gorgeous...and personable... (sighs insipidly) anyone want to help me out? I might do Icheb or Naomi first... 


	9. Log 9

Hey, Neelix's turn now, something everyone, I'm sure, has been waiting for... 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 56791.1 

I went into the mess hall today, my replicator rations exhausted on numerous (and thoroughly enjoyable) glasses of synthale. It was supposed to be leola root casserole day. Notice 'supposed to.' I stepped in, and noticed that it was - shock of all shocks - quiet! No nasal little voice from the tribble on steroids. No sounds of squealing as a batch of pleeko rinds catches on fire in a pan. No nosy gossip. Indeed, Mr. Chell just gave me my plate of plasma leek soup (I admit he has a childish attraction to puns, however, even that's preferable to Neelix's irritating chats), a smile, and sent me on my way to turn to the next officer in line. Well, I thought, just slap on some silicone ears and call me Vorik, I'll be damned. Seven years I've been on this fucking ship and every fucking time I've had to go through a fucking conversation with Neelix. They fell into a few predictable categories. The I Still Love Kes Though I Haven't Mentioned Her Since She Left conversation, the I'm SO Useful Cook Ambassador Handyman Morale Officer And All Around Ship's Annoyer, or the Naomi Is My Goddaughter Isn't She A Cutie Patootie I Could Eat Her (and as far as I'm concerned only a moron with the vocabulary level of a five year old would ever use Cutie Patootie in a sentence, and still have self respect). I always felt like saying "Well, I suppose anything's possible, I mean you yourself look rather edible, Neelix. Maybe barbecued, with a nice marinade..." Of course, we can't mention cheese anymore, since he nearly destroyed the entire ship with his cheese bacteria last time he tried to make it. How many cooks can nearly destroy their ship with their culinary explorations? Only Neelix. 

I always had a weird feeling about that whole Kes and Neelix thing, too. Neelix seemed like a Talaxian pedophile, since he was doing a two year old (it's even more disgusting than the notion of Harry and the Captain getting together, but not as disgusting as Seven and Chackers), but on top of that, it was like Beauty and the Beast, Cyrano de Bergerac retold. He was the ugly assed cat from Chernobyl, and she was the half-decent looking chick with enough brains for half a dozen houseflies. Oh, all right. Maybe two houseflies, but you know what I mean. See? That's what happens when you reject Spandex. You get the disgusting perverts. 

Now that Neelix is gone, I can see dozens of reasons why our prospects are rosier. We'll be happier, we'll have more time to do other things now that we don't have to talk with him and participate in his pointless talent nights, we won't have to pretend Naomi is the Baby Jesus, the crew will be healthier since they'll actually want to eat...the possibilities are endless. Now all I have to do is convince Chell to use those remaining leola roots for alcohol - they may be bad as casserole, but anything tastes great as liquor! 

=/\= 

I know, I know, I'm supposed to do Harry next...but I really can't think of anything bad about him...he's near perfect! 


	10. Log 10

Naomi Wildman! The Crusher-wannabe dressed in vibrant LSD inspired technicolour. Yes, I will do her next...I can't say anything bad about Harry...  
  
=/\=  
  
Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 60124.1  
  
Hi, I'm Naomi Wildman. I want to play kadis kot with you. I want to follow you around. I want to declare myself your assistant so I can stick to you like a piece of velcro on fun fur. Let me be your friend. She sounds like one of those f-ing furby dolls. What the hell is with her clothes? Am I the only one who thinks lime green and neon orange doesn't make a fashion statement, just a nightmarish Vegas apparition running through the halls?!? Get rid of those ugly fluffy sweaters, kid, and the stupid looking overalls. Hopefully she'll go through that teenage phase that I never quite ridded myself of, where she'll collect up all that relates to Flotter, burn it, and dress entirely in black. Maybe she'll change her name to Demonica, too. That would be amusing. Then again, every child who grows up on a starship ends up to be the perfect little starfleet officer, size six, and with an IQ that makes Einstein look like a special ed student. Except Wesley Crusher, and after reading about him on the Enterprise, he's become Naomi's idol. Wait 'til she gets to the chapter entitled, "The Sad Conclusion: Straight A's in the academy to Space Hobo." Any kid who grows up without a father, and NEELIX as a father replacement who runs out on her when she's seven is gotta grow up with a couple of screws loose. Expecially since good old Bun O Steel is already clucking about how, "We'll need to repopulate the ship with the next generation," then winking at Icheb and Naomi. Okay, Naomi - seven. Icheb - sixteen. Wrong! Then again, Voyager does seem to have a penchant for the pedophilia.  
  
And am I the only one who's noticed that her and her mom NEVER seem to be together? From what I hear, she dumps the kid with Janeway and runs off to "Daddy Carey's." Then again...it's probably just a rumour. Then again, everyone said Chakotay and Seven getting together was a rumour, and how likely was THAT one to be true.  
  
Someday I'm going to get this published and show the world what the crew is really like...  
  
But for now I'll settle on a synthale.  
  
=/\=  
  
I know, bitchy, but c'mon, I couldn't do Harry! 


	11. Log 11

Hey, just wanted to give a shout out to Pennhothwen, my fellow Icheb story reader! LOL! Guys, today it's Icheb's turn. Yep, he's gorgeous, but he's gotta be done...anyhow, thanks for all the good reviews, and guys, I asked for constructive criticism, so for the one who didn't have the guts to even write their own username, maybe you should give REASONS, hello? Oh well, there's always people out there who are jerks, eh? 

=/\= 

Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 60133.1 

Why is it I am forced to spend my time cleaning plasma manifolds when I am evidently far more intelligent than the majority of Janeway's crew? I would think she would understand the importance of why I insist upon 'closeting myself up,' as she so aptly puts it. Anyhow, I will keep this short, as a synthale and a dark matter text are awaiting me in my desk... 

As you might have guessed, I was finally, inevitably, placed on shift duty with Icheb. I don't mind Icheb. Really. He doesn't talk much, I thought he was emotionally distant, intelligent, the type of person I can tolerate. He evidently doesn't have the mentally unstable connotations of the other members of this crew (I am beginning to wonder if it's a result of isolation in space - or perhaps an encounter with a subspace phase diaspora that I so brilliantly based my thesis on during my stay at the Academy...memories aren't a wonderful thing...) 

Anyhow, he's decided he has a crush on B'Elanna Torres and that she reciprocates. I mean, does this crew get any more unbelievable? Pedophiles, a violence-crazed Klingon who's now taken to spouting Starfleet rules at ex-Borgs, and a Captain that sounds like Chippy the Chipmunk with a bad case of laryngitis I hope this is spelled correctly, I'm sorry if it isn't - SC>. 

So now the addition of a Wesley Crusher clone with only one piece of clothing in his wardrobe believes that a thirtysomething pregnant and married woman has fallen in love with him. Let me guess. Some of the male crew's affinity for small children has rubbed off on her and she wants a piece of that middle school hottie. Right. Will this encounter amuse me? Likely. I can imagine it now. 

Icheb: B'Elanna, I have a great new medical tricorder! It says you love me! I love you too! 

Torres: Miserable and desperate ship's prick ptaq! 

This is about when Torres will break his nose a-la-Carey. Then again, we didn't like Carey, did we? Remember, Admiral Janeway only decided to bring Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant AFTER he died. 

Icheb really needs to work on his humour, too... 

B'Elanna got pregnant and he said there was a "Paris-ite" in her...can you hear me groaning? Yet we all had to let out a titter because good old Bun-O-Steel insisted that we socialize him. God, she makes him sound like a pet Corgi, and she's the Queen Mum looking after it...just make sure he doesn't stain my rug... 

There. I now have enough quads to settle the ever-chipper Chackers. 

=/\= 

I always wondered that...WHY THE HECK did Janeway arrive AFTER Carey died? I think she was just jealous because her action figure made her look like what she was - a man disguised as a woman! He just looked better than her! LOL, anyhow...thanks a million for all the great reviews! I LOVE YOU ALL! 


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